Heart on My Sleeve

If you know me, you know that I’m not a poker player. It took me awhile to accept this (not that I ever wanted to play poker), but it is simply something I cannot deny.

I felt like yesterday didn’t have a chance – I didn’t get much sleep and then had a doctor’s appointment. It’s been a little while since I have ridden on the worst roller coaster ride of my life called infertility. My husband and I took a break during the summer really due to schedules.

Without thinking about it, it was nice. But that nice break stopped abruptly yesterday as I spent most of the day simply trying not to cry in public. It breaks my heart when we miss a month for stupid reasons. This month felt like it was because my doctor didn’t speak the same language and forgot how to count.

I know that sounds harsh, but why is it so hard? I’m not talking about the actual act of getting pregnant. I’m talking about having to renew a referral either every couple of months or after 10 visits. Do you know that you could go through ten visits in a month?

I’m referring to the fact that I don’t speak the same language as my doctor or nurses. And while most things are simple – making appointments, no you are not pregnant – there are some things that aren’t simple. Like cysts sometimes appear for no reason and go away the same way. Or wanting to take things to the next level.

I’m talking about a doctor’s office that feels like it is closed more often than open. On most days, they are only open half a day. And then having to call a separate number to get lab results. And it is rare that you go in and don’t get blood drawn.

Or the fact that I wake up at 5 am to drive an hour to get to the doctor at least 15 minutes before they open and still not being the first one waiting. And then stressing out that I won’t get out of there on time to get to work. Then there’s an hour drive just to go to work after the appointment.

Yesterday my doctor told me that I had ovulated the day before. Today is day 15 of my cycle, for those unfamiliar with fertility women typically ovulate on day 14. My body doesn’t like to follow a calendar, but the office had explained to me that is why they like to bring people in on day 12. So it makes no sense why they would bring me in earlier.

I was thinking that it was to talk about taking things to the next level. But no, that won’t happen until the end of next month. Another month we shall miss. Oh ya, we could have tried this month – most likely a day late and a dollar short, but we could have.

Have you ever had an emotional couple of days, no sleep, and then told that you should have intercourse? Even without the first two, being told to have intercourse is definitely a mood-killer.

So here I sit, knowing without a doubt that I won’t start the journey into mother hood for at least two more months. To the new moms and dads out there – I’m sorry for staring at your baby. I promise I am not judging. Simply dreaming…